Wild wild west

Howdy howdy.

Welp, this week has been pretty good. Hermana Pyle and I figured out a good way to use language study more effectively which essentially entails verb drills with me as the coach. It's a nice review for me and she is finally starting to remember a few conjugations. Teaching in Spanish is virtually impossible when you dono't speak Spanish. Did you know that?
Hermana Greer in my district has had a really rough week because her cousin passed away 2 days ago due to a drug overdose. 2 of her brothers are addicted to drugs so its even closer to home. Luckily no one (that I'm aware of) has tried to tell her not to cry or that everything is ok because mourning and grief are part of this. It's expected and healthy honestly that she grieves for him. She knows life goes on after this just as well as the rest of us, but that doesn't diminish or minimize pain. This is one of those things where there really isn't anything to say. You feel it.
I'm singing in our branch (about 40-50 missionaries) with an Elder from Mexico on Sunday! We're singing "Be Still My Soul." Hopefully it'll turn out well :)
I met someone going to a visitors center in Independance, Missouri yesterday! She seemed really nice. She's Spanish speaking too which makes us two of a kind because normally when people find out I'm Spanish speaking at a visitors center they get kind of puzzled since I'm not native. That's what I'm here for, folks. Confusion and bewilderment for all. Glad I can be of service.

We lost 2 of the Elders in our district this week because they are finishing their training at the MTC in the Dominican Republic. Therefore, our district is down to 10. Technically still a large district, but it feels so much smaller. I don't like losing people! Maybe if I just don't make any more friends it won't hurt when I lose them! Yes! That's it!
I hope everyone is having a jolly old time at home for the holidays! Till next week,

Hermana Ray
PS- Word on the street is David Archuleta enters the MTC this week on Wednesday. Yeeeaahhh let's see how this goes, shall we?
PPS- This is the driest winter Utah has ever had on record. I'm dyin here, ya'll. Dryin up.

Que un buen navidad

Merry Christmas!
We get some time to email today since it is the Mother of all Holidays and obviously no one calls home on Christmas here. A lot has happened, but I'm kind of still shell shocked to make much sense of it here.most of you know I like to process for a while before I say what anything.

But! Considering the circumstances, I will try.

First of all, today we had church with none other than David A. Bednar. Yes, folks. Elder Bednar. My district and I were lucky enough to not only land seats all together, but to be all of 7 rows away from the pulpit. The meeting was phenomenal. How blessed we are to have a living prophet and apostles on the earth to help lead and guide us! I was crying (yes, me) for most of the last hour. Elder Bednar basically talked about the character of Christ, and how when we get hurt or go through afflictions we look in and focus on ourselves, while Christ always looked out. In the midst of pain and hardship, he healed one of the soldiers who came to arrest him. He asked the Father to forgive the guards who "knew not" what they were doing. When in our lives do we really have cause to feel sorry for ourselves? When is it right to demand special treatment because of circumstance or entitlement? Never! In those times when we are most hurt, there will be other people to help. Only when we are so focused on the needs of others will we find peace and become more like our Savior. Elder Bednar told us a story of a woman he helped once while he was a stake president whose only child- a daughter- died in an accident. The other two girls in the accident were badly injured, and the woman was primarily concerned with alerting the other mothers and taking care of other people who would be affected. Was she heartbroken? Of course! And she had every right to be. Such a tragedy is unfathomable to me. But there are other people out there. Elder Bednar said that on the way to her daughter's funeral, the woman took dinner to a woman in the ward with a cold who had complained that no one had stopped in to check on her yet. The contrast between these two women astounds me, and as Elder Bednar put it, such a selfless and compassionate woman carries the countenance of the Savior.

I want to be more like that. Yes, things are always going wrong in life. All of us carry burden and pain and we just want someone to come to us and say, "Are you hurting? Let me drop everything and help you. My problems don't matter." But expecting and feeling entitled to that kind of coddling from other people is not the way to go! Would Christ ever have complained about being spat on or mocked or even not being taken seriously? The thought of Jesus having a pity party is almost comical it's so bizarre. I realize that I've subjected many to my own "depths of despair" (that one is for you, dad) and I apologize for that- it's frankly embarrassing. From now on I'm going to focus on others and getting over myself. I'm here (both on the mission and on Earth) to uplift and encourage others. I'll find myself along the way.

So! With all that said, I would like to make clear that so far this Christmas has been one of the most memorable ever. Last night we watched a Christmas Carol (not the Albert Finney version. A travesty!) And with 2100 missionaries all in the same room, it was the largest audience I think I'll ever be a part of for a movie. For some reason I was especially contemplative, and wrote down a bunch of ideas that I'd like to do with my future family for Christmas. To be straight up that made me miss Austin (and the Dressman clan) a whole lot, but last week someone told us that we shouldn't feel that missing people is so bad. We were even encouraged to just let that sentiment work its way through us sometimes. Missing someone is just being fully aware of how much you care for them and how much they care for you. So let it be written that there are a lot of people I miss. Not enough to deter or be intensely sad, but enough to feel love and loved.

Christmas is so beautiful! I hope everyone has had a marvelous one so far. I am blessed to be spending this Christmas learning ow to better spread the message of the Savior's birth! Remember the angels who spread the message of "good tidings of great joy" to the shepards? Just consider them missionaries, my friends. We're all doing the same thing: improving the lives of everyone who will listen with tidings of Christ and His atoning sacrifice.

Quickly before I go, I just want to thank the Dressmans, Kenneth Raines & Co, My own dear family, the Benders, and Maw-Maw and Paw-Paw. Thank you for putting presents under the tree I drew :) I really am so blessed that I am cared about so much. Love love love.

Also it occurred to me that some of you might want an idea of what to send if you are so inclined. Absolutely no pressure because I have everything I need here, but if you just feel like sending something, stickers, stamps, pictures, comics, real letters, and obviously any appropriate mission clothes/accessories are appreciated. ESPECIALLY pictures and letters. I have given a lot of my heart to many people in my life. If you're reading this, you're likely one of them. Hearing from you all and seeing pictures is worth more than gold. If you get a minute, it would make my day!

Once again, I love you all. Have the best Christmas yet, ok?
Until Thursday,
Hermana Ray

Yep, Yeah I don't even know...

Ok I wrote this on Sunday:

"For the last few weeks, I have felt very alone.

I've heard nothing from the majority of my friends, and very little from a few that have actually written.
Basically the only contact from home has been to ask for my laptop.
Before I left Provo my bishopric tried to extend me a calling (finally after 3 months), forgetting that I would be leaving the next day to serve a mission.
I heard nothing from Austin on or around my birthday.

On Christmas our teachers and leaders will be at home with families who love them while the missionaries at the MTC are scheduled for sack dinners on Christmas day

Here I am but 1 in 2500. I am just another black name tag, but lower. I am a junior companion- a girl in the corner in a district of 12.

I struggle with Spanish after years of study and always seem to be late to things.
I have no extraordinary talents, recognitions, abilities or characteristics. I am just like everyone else.

Have you ever felt like God himself has forgotten you? Almost as if you had great potential but turned out to be less than He expected you to? I believe in my God with everything in me and I know this gospel is true. I believe that Jesus Christ is our Savior and has provided a way to return to live with Him.
But if I just quit or never existed- would He notice? Would anyone? After some shuffled arrangements who would remember the girl in the corner?
Defeated, with nothing else to do, I turned to the book I had started recently- Jesus the Christ by James E Talmage- and the top of page 12 quotes John 16:27:
"For the Father himself loveth you, because ye have loved me, and have believed that I came out from God."

I sat staring at the top of the page for a minute or two, feeling a bit pierced. I decided to look up the original reference and the rest of the dialogue pretty much went like this:
"Jesus answered them, Do ye now believe? Behold, the hour cometh, yea is now come, that ye shall be scattered, every man to his own, and shall leave me alone: and yet I am not alone, because the Father is with me. These things I have spoken unto you that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer: I have overcome the world."

I know that I am small and of little importance in the grand scheme of things. I know that life goes on without me and I have little merit to warrant any kind of special attention. I also know that I am loved and numbered by my creator and that He will never forsake me. I may be weak and plain, but I am never forgotten."

 

 

Since Sunday, things have been a lot easier. Each week I've kind of found a theme- something to work on and think about during the week. This week has been "Be kind, love everyone." Sometimes I turn around and realize my thoughts are full of judgement or even downright hateful. I get jealous, scared, insecure...I don't want to be that person. I'm working really hard to be a better one. I'll let you know how it goes. Until then, I'd suggest everyone read 1 Corinthians 13. So good.

Things I've learned this week at the MTC:
-Hard boiled eggs are better with salt

-Hugs are even more desirable when they are unattainable

-Tights are evil

-I love Spanish and I speak pretty well

-All the best hymns haven't been translated into Spanish

-If you flip a cup over fast enough you can trap liquid inside

-If you spin a penny and stop it had with the bottom of a salt shaker you can play a really perfect trick

-Pictures are priceless

-Thou shalt not neglect thy journal

-People don't ask your name when you're wearing a nametag

 

Elder Ballif in our district is...one of the stars in our district sitcom so to speak. His conversations frequently go something like this:
"Hey whats that song that goes...Grandma got run over by a reindeer..."
"...It's called 'Grandma got run over by a reindeer'"

"No, that's not it."

Earlier this week we had the chance to listen to an old talk Elder Bednar gave and it was SO good. Made me relax a bit methinks. His main point was, as long as we are doing our best to be good people and working hard, all will work out in the end. In his words, "Be a good boy. Be a good girl. Honor your covenants. Keep the commandments. Do what you're supposed to, and you'll find yourself in the right place at the right time."

I don't have too much time left but I definitely want to thank everyone who has sent me anything this week! Bless you bless you bless you. I love you all.

I hope everyone is enjoying their breaks for the holiday! I just drew a christmas tree on a piece of paper and hung it on my closet and our little room is so much more cozy now! I did a good job, thank you. I love you and thank you so much for thinking of me and for your prayers. Have a great week!
Hermana Raines

Seasoned veteran

Hey. Hey guys- what do you pray for when you have a stomach ache?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The gift of tums.


HA HA thank you, MTC.
On a more serious note, this week has been quite the killer. I've learned A LOT about myself and just everything really. Learning is one of the most painful and rewarding things...ever. The biggest thing I came to realize was that I have been building walls around myself for years, specifically in the past year. I was listening to my companion pray after watching a speaker talk to us and I suddenly realized what I had been doing. It was like waking up inside a cacoon only to realize that everyone I know and love had been trapped outside along with the people who have hurt me. It's been a somewhat effective strategy, but it's also made it harder and harder for me to be touched and to touch others. I assume that those of you who have known me, especially in the past year, have noticed me doing that. To all of you, I'm sorry. I never meant to keep everyone out of my life. It's just been kind of a painful journey. As my Branch President put it, I'm carrying a heavy plow.
Entonces, I've been thinking a lot about opposition. Shutting myself of from emotion has effectively prevented me from feeling too much anger and pain about a lot of things, but it has also prevented me from experiencing as much joy. For the good of myself, all those around me and those who I'll meet, It's time to start opening back up. This particular part feels like standing in front of a dam about to be demolished, so I'm pretty scared. But ultimately I know that it's better. I'll always still be me, but hopefully we'll be seeing some big changes by the time I get home. Hopefully I'll break out of whatever it is I've built.
My companion and I are past the honeymoon stage. Ha. Yeah. We are very different people in just about every way imaginable. I'm still happy that she's my companion because we both have so much to learn from each other and offer towards the companionship, but it has definitely become a struggle. (Let me know if you guys would rather roses and butterflies rather than truthiness). Hermana Pyle is very quiet, has a habit of walking behind me whenever we go places (CALVIN!), and has trouble cutting down on meal sizes where I have trouble getting myself to eat enough. If we can really get to it and work hard to be understanding, patient, kind and loving, I'm pretty dang positive that we'll both end up a lot stronger. I'm realizing that there is no one on this Earth who doesn't have something to teach me. What a humbling thing THAT is to realize.
Ok another note! Our district is THE BEST. Seriously I love them all. There are 12 of us, all in intermediate Spanish, all going different places all over the world. There are 4 girls and the rest are Elders. We all seem to connect to music really well, have very different but really great senses of humor, and all take the opportunity to be here seriously. I'm so grateful that all of the missionaries in my district are so wonderful! There have been a few in other districts who have...less than impressed me. Yikes.
As for our teaching practice, Hermana Pyle is still having trouble speaking when we teach, but my Spanish is getting better and we're setting goals for her to improve. This place pretty much begs for improvement. If you come out of the MTC the same humdrum person you were before, you were asleep.
One last thing I've been thinking about a lot: I am not a missionary to convince anyone. I'm not selling Christianity. I'm here because the Gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ has blessed my life immensely and I feel an obligation to take it to whoever would appreciate it. We are not forcing anything on anyone or trying to prove anything. I just know my Savior lives, and I'll do anything to bring the joy that comes with that understanding to anyone I can. What a happy thing to be doing for a solid year and a half! The best part is our lives are full of sharing that message- it's just not as concentrated.

Ok quick notes:
-Really stellar stickers are appreciated. I like putting them on letters :)
-I have been playing volleyball and/or running every day and it has been SO GOOD.
-I would appreciate someone sending the lyrics to "The Resistance" by Josh Garrels to me! I forgot to write them down and they are so good.
-Calvin gave me the wrong email address...so I need someone to send it to me. Buh.
-I seriously have no time on the computer so I won't be emailing individuals...please write letters. I'm printing stuff out, but I don't have everyone's address.

Ok that's all for this week...I hope everyone has been doing well! Till next Thursday!
Love,
Hermana Raines

PS. I had a joke to tell you about a piece of pizza but it was too cheesy

First letter as a missionary!

THIS is why I'm here:
http://lds.org/media-library/video/mormon-messages?lang=eng&id=2009-10-38-lifting-burdens#2009-10-38-lifting-burdens

Hello! Just to go ahead and get this in there...I love the MTC! Seriously it's been so great so far. It is most definitely intense- everything we learn will be crucial to the work we do in the field and the rest of our lives as opposed to half of what I learn at college :) (hardy har har but really) and whenever you care a lot about what you're doing it can be more stressful in the best way possible. We have a packed schedule as you probably already know from 6am to 10:30pm which has made me realize how much time I normally waste on the computer and other random things. Also it appears that my cell phone was too much a part of me because I seem to be experiencing something like phantom limb syndome. It's embarrassing, but sporatically I reach for my phone. What phone? And who would be texting me? About what?? Yeesh.

Ok so my companion here is Hermana (Sister) Pyle. She is from Salt Lake City and she will be serving in Albequerque, New Mexico after her training here. She is Spanish speaking as well. All of the missionaries in my branch are Spanish speaking. Also, they are great! Ah I keep getting off track. Hermana Pyle is extremely sweet. She has been having some trouble with the language so far which has caused her some grief (we are in the intermediate group, so it's a lot faster pace than beginner) but we're making baby step goals and I'm sure we'll see progress as we continue to work hard. It's really nice to have someone to pick up the slack when your brain goes AWOL and also someone to teach me through example the things that I need to work on.

Now for the stories I think. First story takes place before I entered the MTC! I flew in, and Randi, McKenna and Calvin were kind enough to fetch me from the airport. We were playing tetris with my suitcases in the trunk of Randi's car, won the game, shut the trunk...only to realize that the keys were part of the tetris game. Yes, friends. We were stuck in Salt Lake before my entry time. It is already more funny than distressing. The no-good police guys at the airport "weren't allowed" to open the trunk for us and it ended up taking us between an hour and a half to two hours to get someone there! When he did get there and helped us out no problem McKenna asked him if people told him that he is awesome a lot. He just said, "Yep." Ha! Well thanks, dude. In the end, it all ended up just dandy. I entered late after eating something substantial, and everything has been normal since then. More or less.

My first night we had an activity teaching this one guy (just a simulation) with basically a missionary gang (there were like 30 of us! 30 on 1: Not fair!) and I came to a very painful realization. This is where this email gets real. I consider myself a fairly intellectual, observant person. I've experienced a lot for someone my age. I realized during this activity that somewhere along the way I had aquired this idea that my understanding of the gospel could effectively teach anyone. I was wrong, dears! So incredibly wrong. I'm glad I learned that within ours of being at the MTC. I've learned that the Spirit is what touches hearts. All of the knowledge in the world cannot create conviction, and conviction is where conversion comes from. Every religion and every group against a given religion has logic that makes sense. Logic will get us nowhere, and that is why faith can be such an ellusive concept, especially for people who have become accustomed to letting their brain guide them. I am embarrassed that I've been so prideful in my explanations of my faith. Pure articulation means nothing. This gospel is one of simplicity and truth. Now that I've kind of been pushed down by this realization, it's a beautiful thing as I grow in understanding.

A few other quick things:
-I am actually going to be here until the beginning of February. The intermediate program is 9 weeks, and I'll have an extra week for visitor's center training. So...yeah.
-Thanks to Keenan and Steph for your letters! They were so nice to get :) I'll be writing back today!
-One of my teachers offered for me to move up to the advanced class in Spanish which is natives/fluent people! Yeeuh! But I declined because I would prefer to feel more confident before I do this for real. Plus Hermana Pyle and I need each other. Of this, I am sure. There is a lot of growth to be...grown. Uh.
-Umm why does everyone talk about gaining weight in the MTC? The food here is not great, guys.
-Sorry this isn't very long: I only get 30 minutes to email a day. Post letters are preferred until then and once I'm in NY I'll have more time to email. I have much more time to write actual letters though!
-My normal P-day is on Thursday, this is just a short one because they felt sorry for us for having to miss ours this past Thursday.

Welp that's all the time we've got for this week, folks. Join us next week, different time, same place. (Unless you're on a laptop. Then you can move.)
Que tengan un buen dia!
Hermana Raines

NEW YORK ROCHESTER SPANISH AND VISITORS CENTER

Hello faithful followers! The time has come for me to ship off to the empty sea. (Read it out loud...)

AND LET ME JUST SAY I AM STOKED.

So stoked, in fact, that I am slightly at a loss for words. Let's just say...

It's gonna be big.

And the best part, dear friends, is that it will all be documented on this here website! The Rochester mission is supposedly a pilot mission for blogging missionaries, but until we know for sure and all that, McKenna Talley shall be keeper of the blog as well as my facebook. Le address to write me at (which you should all consider doing at least once within the next 18 months) is thata way -->

and will be updated when applicable.

Uh...go team! And...bye!

I miss your face like hell

Put your dreams away for now. I won't see you for some time.

Having Had Loved - MY EP!

I am SO proud to present my first album! It's titled "Having Had Loved" and you may (and should) download it (for free) here.

A good friend of mine, Mike McClellan, recorded me, edited it, and added the bass and then vocals for "Step Lightly." I am eternally grateful for him! He is absolutely wonderful. You can check out his band, The Whits, here!

I haven't been this mad since May.

It's a good thing I'm headin out in two weeks cause I am really done with all of this. All of it. Everything.

Hello, my old heart. How have you been? How is it, being locked away? Don't you worry. In there, you're safe. And it's true you'll never beat, but you'll never break.

Abdication From Predestination

There is a man in South London right now who is busy and happy without me. But I will be true to him. He deserves that, and he's more than I ever hoped for.

Is it strange that growing up I expected to end up in an abusive relationship? It's true. I always assumed that it would be that way. Words can't express what a beautiful thing it is to feel that you've escaped that fate. I know that Austin would never hurt me. True, life sometimes throws curve balls. People change, and they have their own right to make their own decisions that affect us. There will be more times in my life that people let me down or purposefully hurt me. Nevertheless, I count my lucky stars that someone so gentle sees so much in me.

So much disappointing confusion of singular-plural agreement coming from a professor with a PhD.

Ay caray.

Tonight...

I started to pack.

The strangest part now is turning to how to explain how I feel about it. The best word to describe it is probably "beautiful." Strange?

It's true though. For some reason as I'm packing all of my mission clothes and pining for my tag, I feel really pretty. I'm just in sweats with my hair back and no makeup, but as I'm preparing to give myself completely to the service of my Heavenly Father I feel beautiful. No alterations needed.

Part of the reason I started packing is because I'm antsy. The other part is to figure out what I'm missing. As it turns out I'm doing really well. I have just about everything sans bag and tiny things like tights and slips. My shoes came yesterday and they are PERFECT. Cute, comfortable, durable. Love them. I have a feeling I'll keep buying pairs like them after I get home.

(I think they look cuter on than in the picture. Never fear.)

So much is odd about this process. It's weird that I have to finish the next two months of schoolwork on my own within the next 2.5 weeks. It's strange that when I say goodbye to my coworkers it's unlikely that I'll ever see any of them again. It's odd that this has become a normal blog post. It's weird that at this moment I don't know any of the people who will surround me in a month, and I'll repeat the get-to-know-you thing another 7 weeks after that. It's weird and wonderful that once I am back in Provo Austin will be home in 2 months. I think I've done pretty well for myself while he's been gone, but being together again will be inexpressible. Especially after everything will we have gone through and learned by then. 

I am so grateful for everything. All of it. What a beautiful life.

Musics like these

may be the strongest tie I have holding me back from this serving a mission thing.

Opus Rouge

If the essence of a time could be captured, the majority of tonight would be apprehended.

Yes, tonight would be kept in a jar for safekeeping. You know- for those times when I might really need it.

Easy does it

Today was a beautiful day. It didn't feel like Halloween at all, but I'm ok with that. It was just an astounding Autumn day.

You were, you were, you were.

My friends, meet my new teapot.

Ok, so this one isn't actually mine. Mine is much cuter since it's a really good green color and a tad thinner. Anyways, it is my most happiest addition to my I-am-a-real-person-take-me-seriously collection. Also, since last year I have come to truly love herbal teas. The one I am drinking right now is called "tarocco ruby orange." I am just so fancy.

It is so hard not to sing "I'm a little teapot" sometimes.

In other news, I just wrote my second song in a month! This is a big deal for these days! I haven't written this much since high school. And they aren't even angsty songs! This is exciting, people!

Music carries it along

A year from now we'll all be gone
All our friends will move away
And they're goin' to better places
But our friends will be gone away

Nothing is as it has been
And I miss your face like hell
And I guess it's just as well
But I miss your face like hell

Been talkin bout the way things change
And my family lives in a different state
If you don't know what to make of this
Then we will not relate

Rivers and roads
Rivers and roads
Rivers 'til I meet you

You're holding in your hands the two halves of my heart

Wham bam thank you ma'am

http://persephonemagazine.com/2011/10/dont-even-get-me-started-mythical-bootstraps-college-student/

"I have been able to be successful, in large part, because my parents were successful. I did something with what I was given, but I was given a huge amount, and to have squandered it would have been criminal. Having done what was expected of me shouldn’t warrant a pat on the back, it was, whether I want to admit it or not, the bare minimum. And to expect someone who wasn’t given a fraction of what I was given to do the same without help is wrong, and it’s senseless.

If you’re a middle class kid, or an upper middle class kid, or a rich kid, you have no right to claim that you got where you got simply because of hard work. You got where you are, at least in part, because of what others did for you, and if you hadn’t been born into a family of people who wanted to and were able to do those things for you, you would have needed someone else to do it."

Fools in love, are there any other kinds of lovers?

Fools in love, is there any other kind of pain?

Tinies

The best part of my job:
When people bring their babies. Especially when they're sending a fax because there's actually time to play with them. Sigh.

There ARE cool people in the world!

These hands are just too shaky to hold

I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on, or something like that
I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew, was a hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances
Were approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag

Open up your ears and hearts

I am sitting on the hammock outside of my little house. The sky is grey and looks low, I am surrounded by smallish yellow leaves. Since there's no one in sight- no one on the street on in windows- I can't help but feel like I've been trapped in a sort of model built in a cardboard box. No one else exists in this small stretch of art. In a lot of ways I wish they did, but in the end it's ok because I'm playing music louder this way.

Perspective

This

has been circulating mostly in conservative online circles.

There is so much social and historical inaccuracy in this that I just... I don't know.

Do all of my peers at BYU really feel like they've worked for all they have? Are we not taking into consideration the efforts and encouragements of parents? Being born into a religious family? Being a part of a religion that values and provides affordable education? Having always done well in school and being raised under the assumption that college was an option? Having few other deeply troubling circumstances growing up to blur our focus and ability to earn money or plan for the future?

To me, this is not about the 99%. This is about owning up to the fact that I have been blessed more than I have worked for. This is being willing to consider those who weren't born into a track of success. There are many people who have made something of themselves from seemingly inconsequential circumstances. How many of those people had lucky breaks or connections? How many of those were blessed with extraordinary talent? How many of those have made extreme wealth out of average circumstances?

Conversely, how many "successes" in this country have had no connections or lucky breaks on their way up? How many of the wealthy have no innate talent or above average ability? How any of them started out with absolutely nothing, including a supportive family structure?

When we talk about equality, we need to understand that there is no way to provide equal footing from birth. I'm not even talking legislation here: I'm talking improving circumstances through tolerance and understanding.

And maybe even a little bit of charity.

I can't stand TA's even more now that I've been a TA.

Irony or discovery?


Also, dear world, "heighth" is not a word. Just sayin.

This. This is worth watching.

My gold

Mondays are good days.

Sometimes its nice to hit the bottom to have all your fears renounced. Some beautiful people have been placed in my life, and I am forever grateful for them. This week is looking up.

50 days until the MTC, my friends.

Emotional people do not possess good shoulders to cry on. They move too much and are forever focused other things. Just an observation.

A dazzling place I never knew

It's remarkable how revitalizing finishing (and acing) a test can be! I feel new!

NEW I tell you!

Long Division

Most of us spend most of our lives being there for other people. I think secretly we have an understanding that all of those people would be there for us if we needed them. We could call in a favor or have somewhere to turn. It's better not to operate with that understanding. As it turns out, it's very rarely accurate.

All my nightmares escaped my head-- bar the door, please don't let them in. You were never supposed to leave. Now my head's splitting at the seams, and I don't know if I can...

The people I know make life good

FOR THE LIFE OF ME I CANNOT FOCUS ON THIS STINKING PAPER.

Rudimentary

I'm pretty positive that there are a lot of people who use big words to disguise the fact that they know SQUAT.

And people, it just was.

Jade and Gold

I am pleased to announce that I've written a new song! A complete one! This is the first time one of my creations has been seen all the way through for probably....two years. No kidding. It's a big deal. So! A video is likely to come eventually, but for a tiny taste here is the chorus:

Be it jade, it shatters.
Be it gold, it breaks.

Yep.

Tiny.

Still proud.

And even though I will never be anything like the phenomenon that is Laura Marling, I am happy with my tiny abilities. I like me.

Oh, friend. What wisdom I have gained is that the utmost despair accompanies love: the despair of love lost. Sometimes I wish I had never understood.

I am IN LOVE with this boy.

Shy and tired-eyed am I today

There lies a man of my heart
A fine and complete work of art
Here, I his woman, his home, and his heart
And proud to be playing that part

Rest in the bed of my bones
All that I have is a home
And all you can do is promise me bold
That you won't let me grow dark
Or cold
As long as we both shall live

Good dog!

Sometimes people pat my desk at work when they receive an answer they appreciate. Welp...alright.

"A dangerous path is made much worse by darkness" -Big Fish

He's cute, isn't he? My missionary. He's out of the MTC now, you know.

Why do I do this to myself? Go to sleep! It's that somehow this music will be healthier than REM. Maybe it is.

I love this weather. Even when I moan and wail and write things like that last post, that breeze and smell have a habit of whisking it all away.
There's a hammock in my front yard.

Whine and cheese

The thing about Provo is that being labeled as "taken" removes you from standard dating, merry-making, jolly, active, socially circular, loud society. Typically this doesn't matter seeing as if you're "taken" you're matched with someone supposedly better than any standard camaraderie and as soon as your label is removed a throng of girls rush to usher you back to "single" society with an agglomeration of ice cream and chick flicks. After a short ceremony, life is back to normal and you are allowed to enjoy the benefits of dating, activity, social circles, friends, and anything else deemed fitting.

The problem comes when you slip through the cracks- "taken" while your match is gone. Have fun being more than alone, you half a person.

Foxy

One of these days I'll have a family of my own. Then, friend, I will be sewing this costume.

Next best option: Randi's baby. Either way I need a baby fox.

I just heard someone say, "Is there chairs up there?" in my college class at BYU. Disappointed.

Also, I was not expecting to react that way to Austin's first email.

We

The post everyone has been waiting for, I assume.

For those who have been keeping track, you may be wondering how I am coping. For those who haven’t, let me fill you in. My other half, my most precious possession, my Austin is gone from me for the next two years.

This past week leading up to the awful moment I had been dreading for over a year now was racked with anxiety, frustration, terror, but most of all -- love. I had the privilege of spending Austin’s last week before his LDS mission with him in Cincinnati, Ohio with his family. 

Looking back on the week, I’d venture to say it was one of the best weeks of my life. Austin’s family is nothing short of wonderful. They are loving, faithful, strong, understanding, funny, comfortable, and relaxed. I felt so at home with them the entire week, and would have stayed at least another month had I had the opportunity.  The connection I feel with Austin’s family made it much harder to leave today, but knowing that I’ll be back there within the next few years stills my heart and fills me with peace.

So, to be direct, I now find myself in a strange position. So much has been happening and changing and I keep bouncing back and forth between outlooks and coping mechanisms. 

One moment, I focus on the positive. There is, after all, much to be thankful for. These two years are giving Austin and I an opportunity to put our love to the test. We have time to grow and learn individually for a while. I’ll put in more hours at work and study more for my classes. I have the chance to go on my own mission in 3 months. My favorite positive point is that for the past year I’ve been counting down to the day he had to walk away, but now my countdown is to the day when he walks back to me. I’d much rather look towards the day we’re together for good instead of run from an encroaching black cloud. No more anxiety: each day he’s closer to coming home to me.

The positive thoughts are my preferred method of dealing, but sometimes when I’m not paying attention the image of Austin’s face or the illusion of his hand in mine sets me off. In these moments, my friend, I have no strength. How is it that love can make you fly and break you all at the same time? This boy has my heart and he’s taken it to South London. It’s known that humans are creatures of habit. For the last 14 months, I’ve eaten dinner with Austin every night. Grilled cheese and tomato soup every single Sunday. I’ve gotten used to doing homework next to him, always having someone to tell my random thoughts to, having a goodnight kiss every night, having a partner to go to parties with, a shoulder to cry on, a hug after a long day, someone to dress up for. I hope whoever reads this can understand this means. I don’t tend to be a dramatic person, but in a very real way I’ve just lost connection with half of my life. It’s disturbing. It’s terrifying. It’s empty. It’s cold. I spent the first three nights after he left Provo avoiding food because honestly I don’t like eating without him anymore.

I know I’m going to get through the next two years because there is nothing else to do. When faced with challenges we can either grow through them or let them break us, and let me be clear: I will not be broken.

Sometimes when things seem really bleak, God seems to lift my head towards other things that have been there all along. I pity people who never lose things because they never really learn of all that is available to them.

I am thankful for music. I am thankful for Austin’s family, the time I had to spend with them this week, the way they’ve raised Austin, and the hole in my life they’ve filled already. I’m grateful for my own family, their sacrifice in buying me this plane ticket, and their love for me. I am grateful for the pictures I have of Austin and the letters and notes we’ve collected over the past 14 months. I’m thankful for my belief in God and the knowledge that He will not leave me alone, especially through this. I’m grateful for my mission call to Rochester, New York and a chance to serve the God who has done so much for me. I’m grateful for astounding friends who have been there for me leading up to this and have already helped me to keep calm. I’m thankful for the knowledge that Austin and I will be together again when this is all over, for my classes and my job, for an understanding of who I am with and without him, and the chance to realize how much better life is with him than without him before I had the chance to mess it up.

This is gonna work. Mark my words, friend. You don’t find love like this every day.

Of all the things that have ever been asked of me, this has and will undoubtedly be the hardest. I really don't know that I can do it.

Working at an information desk is not the place to learn to love one another.

I am aware of the fact that everyone already knows this song, but it still captivates me. Kind of like "Barbie Girl" from Aqua.



Half of that is true.

Love letter

You should watch this, but for Pete's sake watch it full screen or at least on the original website.

Austin says this is how he sees me, and I'm alright with that. This is his farewell for two years.

Dear World!

I have been called to serve as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in the New York Rochester Mission, Spanish speaking! I'll be working at the Hill Cumorah Visitors Center! I leave November 30th for the MTC.
Might I add that Austin's guess was NY Spanish speaking? Really weird. Really cool, though.

I really don't think I could be more happy with this call. Allow me to list why, in no particular order:
-I'm going to be speaking Spanish! Since it's a visitors center, they wouldn't have called me Spanish speaking if I didn't already learn it. I KNEW there was a reason I've felt directed towards Spanish. It just felt right.
-I'll be involved in the Hill Cumorah Pageant!
-I'll be required to be super sharp and cute rather than wearing things just to get through the heat
-I'll be able to write and receive letters no problem
-No strange food experiences! Or at least limited strange food experiences
-I'll be able to hold leadership positions since there aren't any Elders in a Visitors Center mission
-Yet! I'll still be able to tract since I'm also assigned to labor within Rochester
-I'll be learning and teaching about the life of Joseph Smith and the birthplace of the Church (I'm a history buff- HELLO! PERFECT)
-I'll be able to go to the Palmyra Temple
-I'll be back on the East Coast
-I'll get a break from Utah
-I'm leaving and coming home almost EXACTLY in the middle of Austin's mission - 3 months before and after
-I get to layer cardigans and scarves, both of which I love so much
-My mission is the pilot mission for blogging missionaries! That's right, folks. I'll be able to keep up my own blog while I'm there
-I'll have opportunities to talk with and teach people from all over the world
-A good friend has informed me that missionaries in my mission start and end their missions in the Sacred Grove

Seriously, though. Best. Mission call. Ever.

I'm in love.

Austin says I'm allowed.

"I refuse to buy some young man's (or woman's) feigned innocence who wants to sin and call it psychology." -Jeffrey R. Holland

THIS
is ridiculous.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the story of how Natalie learns to more kindly deal with humankind.

Vanessa Carlton has perfect timing.

I know I've been posting a lot of songs recently. I'm rallying my forces to prepare for the upcoming battle.

Austin has 12 days left in Provo. They're fading fast.


Carlton's new album just came out.

Lesson number one: overcome

If you're on your way to becoming an elementary school teacher, I expect you to be kind, patient, understanding, and clear.

If you're on your way to becoming a middle or high school teacher, you'd better be dang smart and ridiculously cool.

Smart so you can teach, cool so they'll be taught.

How do good men become part of the regime?
They don't believe in resistance.

Laughing gas makes me crazy.

I am acutely aware that my bite is not aligned correctly.

There is light

"I understand that sometimes people disagree with doctrine. They even go so far as to call it foolish. But I echo words of the Apostle Paul, who said that sometimes spiritual things can appear as foolishness to men. Nevertheless, 'the foolishness of God is wiser than men.' To those who have strayed because of doctrinal concerns, we cannot apologize for the truth. We cannot deny doctrine given to us by the Lord Himself. On this principle we cannot compromise. In truth, things of the Spirit are revealed by the Spirit.' The natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God: for they are foolishness unto him: neither can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned.'" -Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, Concern for the One

Cost of Living

There's a quiet peace and strength in knowing I can handle everything that comes my way-- at least for today. I am readying myself for tomorrow, but all that's asked of me today is to wrestle today.

Thisiswhathappenedokaythanksbye

Time for a list

1. Linguistics is hard. And seemingly unnecessary to me although at times it is cool.
I am learning things like this:

Yep.

2. I seem to have a somewhat terrifying ability to see through people and I don't always like it. Whether they've been divorced or not, whether or not they want to be, what their intentions of the moment are, whether or not they're bluffing, whether or not they're pretending. The thing about it sometimes it takes awhile to figure out if I saw things correctly. A scary amount have been proving themselves recently. Sometimes it would be easier to be fooled.

3. Jalapeño Yogurt Dip. One of my roommates bought some, another roommate Gibbonsed me into trying it. And it was dang good! This surprise reaction has led me to not be so cautious next time I am coaxed and also to make some from scratch since I have no Costco card. (I know, sad sad day.)












4. Tyler Heath. I keep coming back to his album (Let It Go) to run to in the mornings and so far I haven't found a parallel. That album is wonderful.

5. I am probably going to be cutting my hair again soon. I'm slightly hesitant because it's taken me so long to grow my bangs completely out, but I also think I'm starting to look a little boring/odd since I have a slightly-larger-than-average forehead. Also, I haven't done anything new with my hair since August. It's time for a change methinks. I'm leaving the length, just getting bangs. Something like this:













That's all for now.

Be true to the ones who love you

Odds are you don't deserve it! Just pray they never figure that out.

"Not to share love, but to barter for it."

"The balance sheet continued to change for me and my girlfriends as we emerged from childhood into womanhood. Our increasingly voluptuous bodies were reliable tools of status and control. The power was heady, but confusing, because wielding it always left us feeling empty and weak. And it was treacherous, because its force attracted not only the male peers we were aiming for, but also troubled stepfathers and leering strangers. But by the time we realized the perils, we'd grown dependent on this means of power. Of course it didn't yield true power, because it didn't originate within ourselves: it originated within the perceptions of the boys and men we hoped to entice. Yet in our economy of success, sexual attraction was the only currency we thought we held. And counterfeit money was better than nothing." -Kathryn Soper

Sometimes it's really nice to find someone who understands adolescence better than the adolescents. It's also important to keep teenage hormonal designs on power at an understandable minimum. Sorry, Cambridge.

I like running towards the sun in the mornings because the shadow is always behind instead of ahead. I am perpetually running from darkness

and towards light.

One Year

In a lot of ways it really doesn't feel like we've been together for a whole year. In a lot of ways it feels like it's been a lot longer than that.

What is there to say after three finals weeks, twelve times-of-the-month, a couple of sicknesses, eleven term papers, too many breakdowns and one stubborn, selfish personality? Thanks for loving me, my dear. Thank you so so much. I pity every girl who isn't me.

Cheers to us, love. Cheers to us.

And now, a year in pictures!

In May, we existed through Skype. I don't miss it.

In June, we started dating and Austin flew to NC

In July, I was in Mexico. Skype again...

In August, I was still in Mexico and Austin got glasses

In September, we drove the Alpine Loop

In October, we went to Communal for the first time

In November, we went to a homecoming dance

In December, Austin shaved the beard

In January, we went to see the ice castles and Austin cut his hair

In February, Austin made an amazing Valentine's day dinner

In March, we went to church

In April, Amanda came to visit and met Austin for the first time

In May, we went to Moab (and Austin got his mission call)

In June, we went to my first concert ever and celebrated our one year!

In August, Austin will be leaving to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. The thought of not having him by my side for two years breaks my heart, but I'm excited for both of us learn and grow separately for awhile. I'm looking forward to having letters to save and cherish for the rest of my life. I can't wait to hear about all of the experiences he has, and to write back pushing him forward if he feels like it's too hard. It's been a beautiful year. And the years don't stop here.

Love you, Austin. Happy 1 year.

Alyssa and Zach!

I LOVE THESE TWO PEOPLE AND THEY ARE GETTING MARRIED.

I REALLY shouldn't be this excited but I definitely am. I love it when awesome people plan on making awesome tiny people. And when in the future I can visit them in the same little place. All happy and stuff.

AH everything in the world is happy.

Numb.

To everything. Everyone. Sorry, guys.

An arsonist burned a house in the suburbs to the ground. The man living inside escaped in time alive, only to suffer severe burns from dodging the caving walls. Police escorted the arsonist to court, where he eventually was sentenced to jail in which he was scolded, fed, and counseled over the next few years on how to become a better citizen.

But no one treated the burn victim.

More

“Between 1959 and the present, the United States has attempted a dizzying array of tactics and methods in its attempt to control, and then to undermine, overthrow, or destroy the Cuban revolutionary experiment. Many of them were covert. The ministry of the Interior Museum in Havana offers a testament to the many attempts at sabotage and assassination carried out by U.S. agents. The U.S. public knew little about these until 1975 Senate Hearings where CIA and other officials testified to their involvement in assassination attempts against Fidel Castro. Despite the publicity at the time, this history remains relatively unknown in the United States, although it is common knowledge in Cuba.” -Aviva Chomsky

A little courtesy?

No? Ah. Ok.

Slumping jump

Tonight, I made this:

and this:

 

Which translate to "baked tilapia" and "golden-crusted brussels sprouts".

Best part...THEY WERE DANG GOOD! And provided a meal for two for under $5. Thank you, thank you. I am quite proud if I do say so myself. I've been in one of those not-eating slumps for the past few days so I decided to break that pattern the best way possible rather than going crazy with the ice cream and french fries. However, I may or may not have some of the best ice cream in the world now waiting for us in the freezer.

Ok YES I got mint. I did. It's there. Yeesh.