Recently I've been thinking about how much I've changed in the last few years. I don't keep in touch with more than a handful of people from my mission and prior because I'm embarrassed of who they knew.
I used to be bitter and broken. I thought a lot about how other people saw me and it mattered more than just about anything else. I cared if other people thought I was trendy or pretty or interesting. It didn't make me happy- it was just an obsession. I poured over magazines and studied people I knew trying to figure out what the secret was to being good enough. Sometimes as I searched I seemed to make progress, but more often I was left further awakened to my lacking.
Food was my enemy. I was terrified of eating in front of anyone, or even being seen carrying food. In high school if there was a line in the cafeteria, I didn't eat for fear of anyone noticing that I was waiting to receive it. I preferred junk food- pizza, mac and cheese, french fries- but only ate sparingly since I saw myself as an inevitability inflating balloon. I panicked when I couldn't see my ribs and would lose my appetite for a few days.
I was angry about a lot of things. People who were happy made me angrier still because I couldn't understand them. I concluded that they must be missing something or they would be angry, too. If they experienced the same things I had they would be different. My language consistently dripped with passive aggression so much so that if I wasn't paying attention, I myself assumed I was being sincere.
Thanks to dozens of people I've met over the last few years and the care of my closest family, I've felt myself healing. I've stopped wearing make-up altogether, and I'm more confident than ever. I've discovered a love for cooking and baking from scratch: eating a variety of healthy, good food and never counting calories. My passive aggressive nature dissolved into a very direct style, which is often misunderstood as harsh or cold in my beloved state of Texas. However, what used to be veiled bitterness is now kinder honesty. I am happy instead of hurt in the company of success. I genuinely want the best for those that are struggling. I am honest with myself about my shortcomings and strengths. I am at peace.
I don't connect with who I used to be, I only mourn the mistakes. I am grateful for all those kind, patient people who have helped open my eyes over the last few years. I am simultaneously of infinite worth and endlessly flawed, yet progressing. I am needed and need others. I am loved and love others. So many broken people think giving and receiving love is contingent on deserving it, and I don't think that's true.
I am grateful for this new, beautiful life of mine.
I have hope in renewal.
I have faith in tomorrow.
