Being home so far has been a month of refiner's fire for me. This is unexpected, since during winter semester (as some of you know) I took 17 credits, worked 20 hours a week, lost my best friend and roommate to her fiance, lost my last grandparent on my Dad's side after a long fight with dementia, and discovered that the car I had planned on taking back with me to Utah had been totaled back here in NC. During fall semester I ended things with a boy who I was almost engaged to. What I hadn't realized is that I've been running for months. I told myself that I was too busy to think about things; to work them out. I suppose I ran under the policy that if you just ignore pain that it goes away.
Needless to say, being home provides little escape from my thoughts. And now, finally, they're starting to lose their sting.
Truths and Discoveries:
-Ending my relationship with Ian was the right thing to do. He treated me right, but God has something better planned for both of us if we are up for it. His falling away from the church was not my doing, and staying with him solely to keep him in the church would have been unfair to the both of us.
-I have curves. This is ok. In high school I went through sessions of anorexia and depression because I hadn't learned to cope with my body type. I am 5'6". I don't weigh 125. What's important is that I am healthy and I am happy.
-I can't do everything on my own. I was raised with an independent attitude, and I am extremely grateful for that. The problem came with not wanting to ask others for help when it is really needed. Life is meant to be lived in a collective, loving network. Not in solitary struggle.
-Death is as much a part of life as birth. At my grandmother's funeral I was overcome with the realization that I will one day lose my parents. I've thought about that fact before, but the reality hit me in the face much harder than I had been expecting. I've lost a few friends over the past few years, but I have never lost anyone really close to me. The idea that a human body can function enough to sustain life one minute and extinguish it so easily the next may always elude complete understanding. Looks like thats one of the aspects of the soul we've yet to learn.
I'm sorry to suddenly contrast my typically random and simple topics with such serious ones, but I guess things can't always be random and simple. Sometimes I have to stop running and face the music.
If you find your spirits somber, please refer to my last post and allow my younger brothers to cheer you up :) How I love them so.
Taken in South Jordan, Utah. I just love the sky.
Here comes the sun.
