Being home so far has been a month of refiner's fire for me. This is unexpected, since during winter semester (as some of you know) I took 17 credits, worked 20 hours a week, lost my best friend and roommate to her fiance, lost my last grandparent on my Dad's side after a long fight with dementia, and discovered that the car I had planned on taking back with me to Utah had been totaled back here in NC. During fall semester I ended things with a boy who I was almost engaged to. What I hadn't realized is that I've been running for months. I told myself that I was too busy to think about things; to work them out. I suppose I ran under the policy that if you just ignore pain that it goes away.
Needless to say, being home provides little escape from my thoughts. And now, finally, they're starting to lose their sting.
Truths and Discoveries:
-Ending my relationship with Ian was the right thing to do. He treated me right, but God has something better planned for both of us if we are up for it. His falling away from the church was not my doing, and staying with him solely to keep him in the church would have been unfair to the both of us.
-I have curves. This is ok. In high school I went through sessions of anorexia and depression because I hadn't learned to cope with my body type. I am 5'6". I don't weigh 125. What's important is that I am healthy and I am happy.
-I can't do everything on my own. I was raised with an independent attitude, and I am extremely grateful for that. The problem came with not wanting to ask others for help when it is really needed. Life is meant to be lived in a collective, loving network. Not in solitary struggle.
-Death is as much a part of life as birth. At my grandmother's funeral I was overcome with the realization that I will one day lose my parents. I've thought about that fact before, but the reality hit me in the face much harder than I had been expecting. I've lost a few friends over the past few years, but I have never lost anyone really close to me. The idea that a human body can function enough to sustain life one minute and extinguish it so easily the next may always elude complete understanding. Looks like thats one of the aspects of the soul we've yet to learn.
I'm sorry to suddenly contrast my typically random and simple topics with such serious ones, but I guess things can't always be random and simple. Sometimes I have to stop running and face the music.
If you find your spirits somber, please refer to my last post and allow my younger brothers to cheer you up :) How I love them so.
Taken in South Jordan, Utah. I just love the sky.
Here comes the sun.
There's nothing wrong with being random sometimes and serious the next. Story of my life. Heck, story of lots of people's lives. It's often easier to joke around with others than with oneself, that's part of what makes company so nice. Still we search for people to share those serious thoughts with all the same.
ReplyDeleteDon't know enough about the first few points to comment more than that your reasoning sounds good to me. Healthy, happy, trusting in God all sound good to me.
I'm a tad bit of a loner myself, although that might not be quite what you meant by "independent". But I do enjoy the company of others. A lot, actually. So what happens when by circumstance you have to face things alone? I don't know the answer to that one, but I agree that that loving network is what we search for and need, indeed. Family does that pretty well, I think, when they're around. Too bad we're all growing up and older, which lead into your next point -
My dad is 80 years old right now, but I remember realizing how old he was as a child. I seem to remember asking, one night as he lay on my bed with me "Dad, are you going to die someday?" What a sad and awkward question, I think, looking back on it. But I think it helped me come to terms with death a little sooner. But yeah, understanding the Gospel helps the most there, knowing that the parting is only temporary. We can only have as many partings as we do encounters, but each encounter is wonderful.
It's cool that you're willing to post such thoughts. I think it takes a type of courage to talk about these things, but it's that very courage that helps us deal with them. Cool.
Thanks, Carey :) Thats not really what I meant by independent, though. I just like doing things by myself. Secretly the phrase "I'm a big girl now" was stolen from me as a child.
ReplyDeleteHaha! Sorry, chuckling at your comment. You're fabulous, and deep, and hot. Just a reminder. When are you coming "home" (aka, hell, Provo, whatever)?
ReplyDeleteI'm going to add you to my googledoc of the random things my husband says because I think they'll make you laugh, and I want you to laugh.