We

The post everyone has been waiting for, I assume.

For those who have been keeping track, you may be wondering how I am coping. For those who haven’t, let me fill you in. My other half, my most precious possession, my Austin is gone from me for the next two years.

This past week leading up to the awful moment I had been dreading for over a year now was racked with anxiety, frustration, terror, but most of all -- love. I had the privilege of spending Austin’s last week before his LDS mission with him in Cincinnati, Ohio with his family. 

Looking back on the week, I’d venture to say it was one of the best weeks of my life. Austin’s family is nothing short of wonderful. They are loving, faithful, strong, understanding, funny, comfortable, and relaxed. I felt so at home with them the entire week, and would have stayed at least another month had I had the opportunity.  The connection I feel with Austin’s family made it much harder to leave today, but knowing that I’ll be back there within the next few years stills my heart and fills me with peace.

So, to be direct, I now find myself in a strange position. So much has been happening and changing and I keep bouncing back and forth between outlooks and coping mechanisms. 

One moment, I focus on the positive. There is, after all, much to be thankful for. These two years are giving Austin and I an opportunity to put our love to the test. We have time to grow and learn individually for a while. I’ll put in more hours at work and study more for my classes. I have the chance to go on my own mission in 3 months. My favorite positive point is that for the past year I’ve been counting down to the day he had to walk away, but now my countdown is to the day when he walks back to me. I’d much rather look towards the day we’re together for good instead of run from an encroaching black cloud. No more anxiety: each day he’s closer to coming home to me.

The positive thoughts are my preferred method of dealing, but sometimes when I’m not paying attention the image of Austin’s face or the illusion of his hand in mine sets me off. In these moments, my friend, I have no strength. How is it that love can make you fly and break you all at the same time? This boy has my heart and he’s taken it to South London. It’s known that humans are creatures of habit. For the last 14 months, I’ve eaten dinner with Austin every night. Grilled cheese and tomato soup every single Sunday. I’ve gotten used to doing homework next to him, always having someone to tell my random thoughts to, having a goodnight kiss every night, having a partner to go to parties with, a shoulder to cry on, a hug after a long day, someone to dress up for. I hope whoever reads this can understand this means. I don’t tend to be a dramatic person, but in a very real way I’ve just lost connection with half of my life. It’s disturbing. It’s terrifying. It’s empty. It’s cold. I spent the first three nights after he left Provo avoiding food because honestly I don’t like eating without him anymore.

I know I’m going to get through the next two years because there is nothing else to do. When faced with challenges we can either grow through them or let them break us, and let me be clear: I will not be broken.

Sometimes when things seem really bleak, God seems to lift my head towards other things that have been there all along. I pity people who never lose things because they never really learn of all that is available to them.

I am thankful for music. I am thankful for Austin’s family, the time I had to spend with them this week, the way they’ve raised Austin, and the hole in my life they’ve filled already. I’m grateful for my own family, their sacrifice in buying me this plane ticket, and their love for me. I am grateful for the pictures I have of Austin and the letters and notes we’ve collected over the past 14 months. I’m thankful for my belief in God and the knowledge that He will not leave me alone, especially through this. I’m grateful for my mission call to Rochester, New York and a chance to serve the God who has done so much for me. I’m grateful for astounding friends who have been there for me leading up to this and have already helped me to keep calm. I’m thankful for the knowledge that Austin and I will be together again when this is all over, for my classes and my job, for an understanding of who I am with and without him, and the chance to realize how much better life is with him than without him before I had the chance to mess it up.

This is gonna work. Mark my words, friend. You don’t find love like this every day.