I just heard someone say, "Is there chairs up there?" in my college class at BYU. Disappointed.

Also, I was not expecting to react that way to Austin's first email.

We

The post everyone has been waiting for, I assume.

For those who have been keeping track, you may be wondering how I am coping. For those who haven’t, let me fill you in. My other half, my most precious possession, my Austin is gone from me for the next two years.

This past week leading up to the awful moment I had been dreading for over a year now was racked with anxiety, frustration, terror, but most of all -- love. I had the privilege of spending Austin’s last week before his LDS mission with him in Cincinnati, Ohio with his family. 

Looking back on the week, I’d venture to say it was one of the best weeks of my life. Austin’s family is nothing short of wonderful. They are loving, faithful, strong, understanding, funny, comfortable, and relaxed. I felt so at home with them the entire week, and would have stayed at least another month had I had the opportunity.  The connection I feel with Austin’s family made it much harder to leave today, but knowing that I’ll be back there within the next few years stills my heart and fills me with peace.

So, to be direct, I now find myself in a strange position. So much has been happening and changing and I keep bouncing back and forth between outlooks and coping mechanisms. 

One moment, I focus on the positive. There is, after all, much to be thankful for. These two years are giving Austin and I an opportunity to put our love to the test. We have time to grow and learn individually for a while. I’ll put in more hours at work and study more for my classes. I have the chance to go on my own mission in 3 months. My favorite positive point is that for the past year I’ve been counting down to the day he had to walk away, but now my countdown is to the day when he walks back to me. I’d much rather look towards the day we’re together for good instead of run from an encroaching black cloud. No more anxiety: each day he’s closer to coming home to me.

The positive thoughts are my preferred method of dealing, but sometimes when I’m not paying attention the image of Austin’s face or the illusion of his hand in mine sets me off. In these moments, my friend, I have no strength. How is it that love can make you fly and break you all at the same time? This boy has my heart and he’s taken it to South London. It’s known that humans are creatures of habit. For the last 14 months, I’ve eaten dinner with Austin every night. Grilled cheese and tomato soup every single Sunday. I’ve gotten used to doing homework next to him, always having someone to tell my random thoughts to, having a goodnight kiss every night, having a partner to go to parties with, a shoulder to cry on, a hug after a long day, someone to dress up for. I hope whoever reads this can understand this means. I don’t tend to be a dramatic person, but in a very real way I’ve just lost connection with half of my life. It’s disturbing. It’s terrifying. It’s empty. It’s cold. I spent the first three nights after he left Provo avoiding food because honestly I don’t like eating without him anymore.

I know I’m going to get through the next two years because there is nothing else to do. When faced with challenges we can either grow through them or let them break us, and let me be clear: I will not be broken.

Sometimes when things seem really bleak, God seems to lift my head towards other things that have been there all along. I pity people who never lose things because they never really learn of all that is available to them.

I am thankful for music. I am thankful for Austin’s family, the time I had to spend with them this week, the way they’ve raised Austin, and the hole in my life they’ve filled already. I’m grateful for my own family, their sacrifice in buying me this plane ticket, and their love for me. I am grateful for the pictures I have of Austin and the letters and notes we’ve collected over the past 14 months. I’m thankful for my belief in God and the knowledge that He will not leave me alone, especially through this. I’m grateful for my mission call to Rochester, New York and a chance to serve the God who has done so much for me. I’m grateful for astounding friends who have been there for me leading up to this and have already helped me to keep calm. I’m thankful for the knowledge that Austin and I will be together again when this is all over, for my classes and my job, for an understanding of who I am with and without him, and the chance to realize how much better life is with him than without him before I had the chance to mess it up.

This is gonna work. Mark my words, friend. You don’t find love like this every day.

Of all the things that have ever been asked of me, this has and will undoubtedly be the hardest. I really don't know that I can do it.

Working at an information desk is not the place to learn to love one another.

I am aware of the fact that everyone already knows this song, but it still captivates me. Kind of like "Barbie Girl" from Aqua.



Half of that is true.

Love letter

You should watch this, but for Pete's sake watch it full screen or at least on the original website.

Austin says this is how he sees me, and I'm alright with that. This is his farewell for two years.

Dear World!

I have been called to serve as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in the New York Rochester Mission, Spanish speaking! I'll be working at the Hill Cumorah Visitors Center! I leave November 30th for the MTC.
Might I add that Austin's guess was NY Spanish speaking? Really weird. Really cool, though.

I really don't think I could be more happy with this call. Allow me to list why, in no particular order:
-I'm going to be speaking Spanish! Since it's a visitors center, they wouldn't have called me Spanish speaking if I didn't already learn it. I KNEW there was a reason I've felt directed towards Spanish. It just felt right.
-I'll be involved in the Hill Cumorah Pageant!
-I'll be required to be super sharp and cute rather than wearing things just to get through the heat
-I'll be able to write and receive letters no problem
-No strange food experiences! Or at least limited strange food experiences
-I'll be able to hold leadership positions since there aren't any Elders in a Visitors Center mission
-Yet! I'll still be able to tract since I'm also assigned to labor within Rochester
-I'll be learning and teaching about the life of Joseph Smith and the birthplace of the Church (I'm a history buff- HELLO! PERFECT)
-I'll be able to go to the Palmyra Temple
-I'll be back on the East Coast
-I'll get a break from Utah
-I'm leaving and coming home almost EXACTLY in the middle of Austin's mission - 3 months before and after
-I get to layer cardigans and scarves, both of which I love so much
-My mission is the pilot mission for blogging missionaries! That's right, folks. I'll be able to keep up my own blog while I'm there
-I'll have opportunities to talk with and teach people from all over the world
-A good friend has informed me that missionaries in my mission start and end their missions in the Sacred Grove

Seriously, though. Best. Mission call. Ever.

I'm in love.

Austin says I'm allowed.

"I refuse to buy some young man's (or woman's) feigned innocence who wants to sin and call it psychology." -Jeffrey R. Holland

THIS
is ridiculous.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the story of how Natalie learns to more kindly deal with humankind.