An Epiphany

Motherhood and marriage, in my limited experience, are more about sacrifice than they are about baby giggles and diamond rings. That may seem obvious when it's stated so plainly, but our life experiences have been marketed to us for so long that it can be easy to forget the purpose and devalue the struggle. Our reactions through the toil, not ease or glamour, create the identity we seek.

In anticipation of becoming a parent, people, myself included, dream of things from sweet baby smiles to playing catch on the lawn and teaching them how to ride a bike. We see changing diapers and crying fits at 3 in the morning as necessary byproducts, but most often seem to decide that those byproducts will be worth it. Similarly, engaged couples look forward to marriage, seeing a white dress or as far ahead as sitting in matching rocking chairs during retirement. Budgeting and chores are byproducts, but worth it.

I'm guilty of thinking this way, but I'm starting to believe I've been missing the point. I may have donned the title of "wife" after a legal ceremony, but it became my identity somewhere between cleaning the bathroom mirror and talking till 4 in the morning because going to bed angry wasn't an option. I might have been described as a mom on the day my son was born and I held him for the first time, but it started shaping my heart when I wasn't looking- when I was focused on giving him all I had and I didn't know if there was anything left.

We get so frustrated when hard times come around, thinking they are proof of our failure, but anyone can handle the sweet and picturesque times! It's our reactions to being tired, anxious, angry, hungry, and hurt that decide who we become.

"Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you: But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ’s sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy."

1 Peter 4:12-13

Shots and Cuddles

My sweet one is 2 months old! He weighs 12 lbs 11 oz and is 23 inches long. He's in the 48th percentile for height and 60th for weight. Meanwhile his head is in the 94th percentile! Haha he is definitely a Dressman. He had to have three immunization shots today which he wasn't very fond of, but I'm glad they are over. Little Oliver gives us more smiles every day, even though he has had many long and colicky hours, too. I'm grateful do be able to stay home with him and try and get through those hours together. 

Midwives

It's been a little while since I've written anything here for a few reasons. The main one is that much of our daily life recently has been dealing with little struggles, and I'm not a big fan of putting my complaints out for all the world to see, especially since there is nothing majorly wrong. Oliver has been screaming and crying often, for what seems to us as no reason. He appears to be coming out of it now and I am learning little tricks to help him. I love seeing his happy smiling face! All the hard moments melt away.

Personally, I have not healed from labor! I guess my expectations were wrong, but I kept looking forward to the 6 week mark to stop feeling pain, etc., but my tear hasn't healed and my body still aches everywhere. I have definitely seen some improvement over the last 9 weeks, but I have no inclination as to when this pain will actually go away. Thankfully my carpel tunnel has cleared up at least!

This last part brings me to a decision I've made about future medical care:

I really never want to visit a doctor again.

Nothing personal to any doctor and nurse friends, but working with a midwife during the pregnancy has spoiled me! Midwives are focused on the holistic view of health since their goal is as few interventions as possible. Every appointment with my midwife was relaxed, and she always looked at the bigger picture of my life to catch possible future issues. For example, Krissy knew each enough that when things at my job at the high school took a turn towards Hell, we talked about it and it appeared in my medical file to explain a slight rise in blood pressure, even though my blood pressure was still healthy. I went to the local OBGYN since we moved, and the entire system is so different. I will be starting up with a different midwife next time I go, that's for sure!

Anyways enough whining from me- cheers for living and learning from your experiences.

Ant Man!

Oliver Isa passed his month milestone on Friday! Today I brought myself to put away all his newborn clothes because getting them on has become a struggle. I love watching him grow but it's hard knowing my little baby is disappearing so quickly.

Oliver is a great eater and sleeper so far. We've actually had to watch out for anyone wearing short sleeves who holds him when he's hungry because he will latch onto their arm! He loves when his dad holds him while bouncing on our exercise ball, laying on his changing pad, and staring at people. He sleeps with his arms outstretched on either side and hates if we swaddle them.

We were lucky enough to have Austin's parents with us for a few days this weekend, and have been continually reminded of how blessed we have been to be surrounded by generous and loving friends and family. Being a family of three has been a dream so far, and that is largely because of the support we have been given so much of. Is there any happier family in the world?

Well Read

Nursing so often has given me a lot of time to read! I have loved it. I go through about a book a week, so I'm going to start posting some of my favorite quotes as I finish books. Today I finished Brave New World by Aldous Huxley.

"In fact," said Mustapha Mond, "you're claiming the right to be unhappy."

"All right then," said the Savage defiantly, "I'm claiming the right to be unhappy."

"Not to mention the right to grow old and ugly and impotent; the right to have syphilis and cancer; the right to have too little to eat; the right to be lousy; the right to live in constant apprehension of what may happen tomorrow; the right to catch typhoid; the right to be tortured by unspeakable pains of every kind." There was a long silence.

"I claim them all," said the Savage at last.

"You're welcome," he said.

Of Closing Eyes And Resting Head

This guy slept through the night last night!

We've been working to switch his schedule to being up during the day, and it was been heading that way but slowly. Then last night we put him down at 9, he was up from 2:30-3 to nurse, and then didn't get up again until 5:30! I call that a major success! Obviously growth spurts and things will likely send this on its head before too long but for now I will take it with open arms! Hopefully tonight I will be able to enjoy it instead of hovering over him wondering if something is wrong! :)

On a more personal note, last night I had a mini break down because I realized how much I have missed my husband over the last three weeks since Oliver was born. That seems odd since Austin took a week off of work AND was allowed to work from home for two weeks. This week is actually the first week he's gone back to the office. However, we have had a lot of company helping us with the baby, and our focus has been entirely on him. I am so grateful for this little boy, but I really love time to focus on my husband. I realize now I'm grateful to have that kind of problem, since I know a lot of relationships struggle after a baby is born. As for me, I have never been more in love with my other half. He's been so supportive and sweet through everything, and each moment with him is a gift.

This is me not caring about being sappy. End scene.

Two Weeks

Oliver is two weeks old! He weighs a whopping 7 lbs 8 oz, which is significant coming from his birth weight of 6 lbs 11 oz. It has been so fun to watch him start to fill out and get more acquainted with his budding personality.

The primary purpose of this post is to update everyone with some of our favorite pictures from the last two weeks! I sure do love this little face. We are doing really well.

Little bear on the way home from the birth center

With daddy

Late nights with this guy

The pediatrician gave us the go ahead to introduce a pacifier even though I'm breastfeeding since he has been gaining weight so well. He clutches 

One of Oliver's signature faces

Austin has been adjusting to the new sleep schedule like a champ :)

Oliver

Flashbacks of my labor and delivery have haunted me this week as I've had the privilege to hold my healthy baby boy. The details are surreal and painful to recall, but I would be foolish to abstain from recording them, as to me the details are unmistakable evidence of a higher power, as well as the reality and viability of a woman's natural instinct.

Beginning

On Monday night I remember texting my dad telling him that as the due date was passing with no baby it felt like everyone forgetting your birthday. I hadn't had any real contractions, and Austin and I were getting ready for bed, mentally preparing to wait a week or more for this baby to arrive. Suddenly around 11pm, my first contraction began and it was strong. At the time, I was unaware that delivery would take place within the next three hours.

There are three emotional signposts of labor:

1. Excitement as the realization sets in that your baby is coming!

2. Seriousness as you buckle down to work

3. Self-doubt. Is this really something your body can handle? This signpost should indicate to anyone helping the mother that the end of labor is near.

Looking back, it is obvious that I completely skipped the first emotional signpost, and half of the second. My contractions started at 5 minutes apart.

Austin and I worked through 8 or 9 contractions at first, breathing and trying to relax through them, still unsure if this was really happening. It seemed too fast! We called the midwife and alerted her, and then Austin helped me take a shower and get ready to go. We were supposed to leave when contractions were 4 minutes apart, a minute long, and had been that way for an hour.

When I got out of the shower, my contractions skipped to 3 minutes apart. After a few minutes, I hit what is known as "transition," threw up, and suddenly found myself in the third emotional signpost. We realized we really should have already been on the road, and I worked through more contractions on my own on my hands and knees as Austin got our bags in the car.

The Car

We have a little Mazda 2, and I was really not happy about the idea of working through any contractions inside of it. Having space and leverage to adjust and move through each contraction was the only thing keeping me stable. I decided to kneel on the floor facing the back seat while Austin drove. We had grabbed some bath towels on the way out, and I gripped one as the contractions became more and more intense on the road while Austin sped. I tried to relax in between each. Austin kept the AC pumping and blared various Ludovico Eunadi tracks that we had prepared for the birth center.

By now, my sense of time was completely nonexistent. I know now that my time in the car was around 25 minutes total. My water broke, but I was in a sleeping gown so I was still able to remove my underwear quickly before the next contraction. As the pain increased I tried to feel to see if the baby was crowning, but was shocked to feel 10 tiny toes. I didn't have time to process what bad news it was to have a surprise double footling breech baby, which is probably better considering the circumstances in hindsight. For those unfamiliar with birth, you would be hard-pressed to find a hospital that would deliver a footling breech baby vaginally at all: they would be taken for a cesarean section.

The babies legs slowly emerged over the duration of a contraction, and I tried to remember not to touch them as I knew stimulating the baby could trigger a response of his arms inside me, which could stop his delivery and cause his death among other complications. With the next contraction, his body slipped out up to his neck. I massaged his legs and body as I waited for the next contraction to hopefully deliver his head. It is hard to know if that was the right move, since he could have decided to start breathing before his head was delivered. I can't think too much about that now.

Sure enough, with the next contraction, I pushed and his head came out. I was already holding his body, so I pulled him up, turned him over laying on my right hand and rubbed his back with my left hand trying to get him to cry and breathe. A month prior, I had actually dreamed that I had the baby outside of a medical facility and in the dream I knew to do all of that. I have wracked my brain for where that information came from, but I simply don't know. It took what seemed like much longer I'm sure, but he did cough and started to cry a little there in the back seat of that Mazda 2. My sweet, perfect husband (who never cries) was now audibly crying as he drove, just repeating "he's ok! I have a son! He's crying! He's breathing!"

You may be wondering about Austin. I shouted that his feet were coming out back when that happened, and Austin called the midwife back. My baby had been head down for months, so this was a shock for everyone. By the time the call ended, the baby was out and Krissy (my midwife) suggested we go to an ER since we were still around 20 minutes from the birth center. We just so happened to be coming up on the exit for the ER (I'm sorry for those of you who still only believe in coincidences), and Austin pulled in. 

Oliver and I carefully emerged from the floor, covered in blood, but in no pain. Following a natural birth, women's bodies are programmed to release a flood of hormones that act as painkillers, so I was unaware of my second degree perineal tear for the next few hours.

In Summary

Oliver Isa Dressman was born on August 25th, 2015 at 1:45am, weighing 6 lbs, 11 oz. He measured 20.5 inches long, and had absolutely no complications once he started breathing in that car. I received stitches for my tear, but never even needed as much as an IV or oxygen for anything else.

Every woman, body, and pregnancy are different. For me, I feel overwhelmingly privileged to have delivered Oliver naturally. I have never felt more powerful, more loved, or more purpose than I did that terrifying night, kneeling on the floor of our car. I obviously don't recommend delivering your own baby while your husband speeds on the highway, but I am grateful for the knowledge that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and loves my baby. He knows me and what I am going through. I also know that God loves us through the misfortunes, and that if I had lost my child that night, which statistically should have happened, that I can still be with my little family forever. If you find yourself unsure of what will follow this life, I would encourage you to take steps towards coming to understand before you get there. 

I love my little family. Even as I sit here on this stitched up tush of mine, sore and nursing my tiny newborn, I feel an overwhelming surge of gratitude to be a woman. I am strong, and I am capable. I am grateful to be me.

The Waiting Game

Austin and I have decided to make this blog into our family blog in anticipation of our little one coming next month. Since family and close friends will be interested in the details of Oliver's coming, growth, and face, we figured it would be better to keep track of our story here rather than flooding facebook.

I am 35 weeks pregnant, and both of us are healthy as far as we can tell! I have been working with a midwife at the West Houston Birth Center for a number of reasons. Although I recognize that many women have more possible health risks, since I am healthy and game, I am excited about natural birth in a birth center. For those who are worried, it is only a few minutes from a hospital in case something goes wrong, but time and time again studies have shown that more goes wrong with added invasive monitoring and drugs. 

Recently we moved into our first house, less than 10 minutes from my dad, in Seabrook, Texas. It has been wonderful to set everything up and really prepare for the baby! Austin and I recognize that we are supremely blessed, especially for our age, and most of that comes from privilege outside of our own merits. Throughout the years we have been supported by such wonderful family and friends, and we can't help but overflow with gratitude as we glide into this next stage. I wish everyone in the world could have such a support system.

We will be actively amping up our efforts to take and upload photos! So feel free to nag and prod if its been too long, or if we are missing an opportunity to preserve history.

5 weeks and counting!