Different

Recently I've been thinking about how much I've changed in the last few years. I don't keep in touch with more than a handful of people from my mission and prior because I'm embarrassed of who they knew.

I used to be bitter and broken. I thought a lot about how other people saw me and it mattered more than just about anything else. I cared if other people thought I was trendy or pretty or interesting. It didn't make me happy- it was just an obsession. I poured over magazines and studied people I knew trying to figure out what the secret was to being good enough. Sometimes as I searched I seemed to make progress, but more often I was left further awakened to my lacking.

Food was my enemy. I was terrified of eating in front of anyone, or even being seen carrying food. In high school if there was a line in the cafeteria, I didn't eat for fear of anyone noticing that I was waiting to receive it. I preferred junk food- pizza, mac and cheese, french fries- but only ate sparingly since I saw myself as an inevitability inflating balloon. I panicked when I couldn't see my ribs and would lose my appetite for a few days.

I was angry about a lot of things. People who were happy made me angrier still because I couldn't understand them. I concluded that they must be missing something or they would be angry, too. If they experienced the same things I had they would be different. My language consistently dripped with passive aggression so much so that if I wasn't paying attention, I myself assumed I was being sincere.

Thanks to dozens of people I've met over the last few years and the care of my closest family, I've felt myself healing. I've stopped wearing make-up altogether, and I'm more confident than ever. I've discovered a love for cooking and baking from scratch: eating a variety of healthy, good food and never counting calories. My passive aggressive nature dissolved into a very direct style, which is often misunderstood as harsh or cold in my beloved state of Texas. However, what used to be veiled bitterness is now kinder honesty. I am happy instead of hurt in the company of success. I genuinely want the best for those that are struggling. I am honest with myself about my shortcomings and strengths. I am at peace.

I don't connect with who I used to be, I only mourn the mistakes. I am grateful for all those kind, patient people who have helped open my eyes over the last few years. I am simultaneously of infinite worth and endlessly flawed, yet progressing. I am needed and need others. I am loved and love others. So many broken people think giving and receiving love is contingent on deserving it, and I don't think that's true.

I am grateful for this new, beautiful life of mine. 

I have hope in renewal. 

I have faith in tomorrow.

An Epiphany

Motherhood and marriage, in my limited experience, are more about sacrifice than they are about baby giggles and diamond rings. That may seem obvious when it's stated so plainly, but our life experiences have been marketed to us for so long that it can be easy to forget the purpose and devalue the struggle. Our reactions through the toil, not ease or glamour, create the identity we seek.

In anticipation of becoming a parent, people, myself included, dream of things from sweet baby smiles to playing catch on the lawn and teaching them how to ride a bike. We see changing diapers and crying fits at 3 in the morning as necessary byproducts, but most often seem to decide that those byproducts will be worth it. Similarly, engaged couples look forward to marriage, seeing a white dress or as far ahead as sitting in matching rocking chairs during retirement. Budgeting and chores are byproducts, but worth it.

I'm guilty of thinking this way, but I'm starting to believe I've been missing the point. I may have donned the title of "wife" after a legal ceremony, but it became my identity somewhere between cleaning the bathroom mirror and talking till 4 in the morning because going to bed angry wasn't an option. I might have been described as a mom on the day my son was born and I held him for the first time, but it started shaping my heart when I wasn't looking- when I was focused on giving him all I had and I didn't know if there was anything left.

We get so frustrated when hard times come around, thinking they are proof of our failure, but anyone can handle the sweet and picturesque times! It's our reactions to being tired, anxious, angry, hungry, and hurt that decide who we become.

"Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you: But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ’s sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy."

1 Peter 4:12-13

Shots and Cuddles

My sweet one is 2 months old! He weighs 12 lbs 11 oz and is 23 inches long. He's in the 48th percentile for height and 60th for weight. Meanwhile his head is in the 94th percentile! Haha he is definitely a Dressman. He had to have three immunization shots today which he wasn't very fond of, but I'm glad they are over. Little Oliver gives us more smiles every day, even though he has had many long and colicky hours, too. I'm grateful do be able to stay home with him and try and get through those hours together. 

Midwives

It's been a little while since I've written anything here for a few reasons. The main one is that much of our daily life recently has been dealing with little struggles, and I'm not a big fan of putting my complaints out for all the world to see, especially since there is nothing majorly wrong. Oliver has been screaming and crying often, for what seems to us as no reason. He appears to be coming out of it now and I am learning little tricks to help him. I love seeing his happy smiling face! All the hard moments melt away.

Personally, I have not healed from labor! I guess my expectations were wrong, but I kept looking forward to the 6 week mark to stop feeling pain, etc., but my tear hasn't healed and my body still aches everywhere. I have definitely seen some improvement over the last 9 weeks, but I have no inclination as to when this pain will actually go away. Thankfully my carpel tunnel has cleared up at least!

This last part brings me to a decision I've made about future medical care:

I really never want to visit a doctor again.

Nothing personal to any doctor and nurse friends, but working with a midwife during the pregnancy has spoiled me! Midwives are focused on the holistic view of health since their goal is as few interventions as possible. Every appointment with my midwife was relaxed, and she always looked at the bigger picture of my life to catch possible future issues. For example, Krissy knew each enough that when things at my job at the high school took a turn towards Hell, we talked about it and it appeared in my medical file to explain a slight rise in blood pressure, even though my blood pressure was still healthy. I went to the local OBGYN since we moved, and the entire system is so different. I will be starting up with a different midwife next time I go, that's for sure!

Anyways enough whining from me- cheers for living and learning from your experiences.

Ant Man!

Oliver Isa passed his month milestone on Friday! Today I brought myself to put away all his newborn clothes because getting them on has become a struggle. I love watching him grow but it's hard knowing my little baby is disappearing so quickly.

Oliver is a great eater and sleeper so far. We've actually had to watch out for anyone wearing short sleeves who holds him when he's hungry because he will latch onto their arm! He loves when his dad holds him while bouncing on our exercise ball, laying on his changing pad, and staring at people. He sleeps with his arms outstretched on either side and hates if we swaddle them.

We were lucky enough to have Austin's parents with us for a few days this weekend, and have been continually reminded of how blessed we have been to be surrounded by generous and loving friends and family. Being a family of three has been a dream so far, and that is largely because of the support we have been given so much of. Is there any happier family in the world?

Well Read

Nursing so often has given me a lot of time to read! I have loved it. I go through about a book a week, so I'm going to start posting some of my favorite quotes as I finish books. Today I finished Brave New World by Aldous Huxley.

"In fact," said Mustapha Mond, "you're claiming the right to be unhappy."

"All right then," said the Savage defiantly, "I'm claiming the right to be unhappy."

"Not to mention the right to grow old and ugly and impotent; the right to have syphilis and cancer; the right to have too little to eat; the right to be lousy; the right to live in constant apprehension of what may happen tomorrow; the right to catch typhoid; the right to be tortured by unspeakable pains of every kind." There was a long silence.

"I claim them all," said the Savage at last.

"You're welcome," he said.

Of Closing Eyes And Resting Head

This guy slept through the night last night!

We've been working to switch his schedule to being up during the day, and it was been heading that way but slowly. Then last night we put him down at 9, he was up from 2:30-3 to nurse, and then didn't get up again until 5:30! I call that a major success! Obviously growth spurts and things will likely send this on its head before too long but for now I will take it with open arms! Hopefully tonight I will be able to enjoy it instead of hovering over him wondering if something is wrong! :)

On a more personal note, last night I had a mini break down because I realized how much I have missed my husband over the last three weeks since Oliver was born. That seems odd since Austin took a week off of work AND was allowed to work from home for two weeks. This week is actually the first week he's gone back to the office. However, we have had a lot of company helping us with the baby, and our focus has been entirely on him. I am so grateful for this little boy, but I really love time to focus on my husband. I realize now I'm grateful to have that kind of problem, since I know a lot of relationships struggle after a baby is born. As for me, I have never been more in love with my other half. He's been so supportive and sweet through everything, and each moment with him is a gift.

This is me not caring about being sappy. End scene.